Jack Lawrence

I don’t know where Jack has gone to these days. I sent him a mixtape cd for the radio show and I heard that he got it but that was all.
I had my eyes checked today, and there wasn’t anything very exciting to report. They are fine. My prescription hasn’t even changed very much.
I still want to go back to Virginia for a few months at a time. Maybe I can sublet my apartment for a little bit…. pack up all my cd’s and dvd’s (the latter is mostly done already) and inventory all my albums…. and then I’d feel ok letting someone stay here. Maybe. If I knew them well enough.
Pride weekend is this weekend coming up. I’m not very excited for it. I’d rather be at home screwing than out with a bunch of queens. but oh well. I’m just old and bitter.
Waiting on my passport and my refund from Illinois. Summer’s just started and it was 60 degrees and overcast here. With lows in the low 50’s. Sigh. I’m sure it’s for the best. Too much sun would only age me prematurely. Thank God I don’t smoke anymore.

I can actually lift more weight than I used to be able to. My arms are stronger than ever. I’m swimming 18 laps every other day consistently. Soon I can up that to 25. I just want one more week to feel better at it. I can only hope it’s having a good visual effect. I certainly feel better.

But work bores the bejeezus out of me. It’s busy and I am disenchanted with all my coworkers. I told N last night that I was ready to quit and he asked me why I was there in the first place. I don’t know. I need to make money somehow. It’s better than food service. And I have no skills other than music enthusiast, sometime pianist and sex slave. Which one do you think will hold up best in the crumpling economy. Viagra here I come…

Here I am finally enjoying an official Spring Week. It’s sunny and warm and I have time off from work. It’s an amazing combination for me because of its rarity.
I finished a radio show mix and I’ll be sending it out today. (once I remember Jack’s address) It’s pretty grim. Meaning not very happy-sounding. But I threw in some awkward stuff at the end just for fun.
G and I went hiking on Sunday. I often forget that hiking means going uphill to a place far away from someone who could drive you away if your back goes out. I survived and it was fun, but every time I go something new in my body hurts. It’s not as if I don’t go swimming every other day ! Jeesh.

Speaking of, even though I’ve been working out I look as skinny and strange as ever. My pictures are deceiving. I look very well proportioned after a good workout but not a few hours later.

I gave out some false information at work the other day. I was complaining that the local gay dance club had closed. But it hasn’t. However, the leather bar and the other more gay and older dance club are both in danger of closing. The Cuff has a condo going up next to it. Directly next to it. Now what are the chances that those rich white straight fuckers who move in there won’t complain about the gay men in leather gear smoking cigars outside. Zero to nil. The liquor board has already targeted the Eagle for lewd behavior. Are you kidding me? That place has been open for god knows how long and only NOW do they think that guys getting blowjobs in the corner is unacceptable? See what I mean? The straight white people with money move in to my neighborhood and just commence to wrecking it for everyone. Why don’t they build their fucking condos where they can’t be bothered? This is our part of town– we were here first.
I cannot believe how bad it is here. I am so ready to move back and just swallow my pride. N still thinks Pittsburgh is the place to go. I think it gets cold and snowy there, but as long as it’s not filled with yuppies and indie-rocker hipsters I’ll be fine.
I was browsing through the SIFF schedule yesterday (the Film Festival held here every year) and the only movies that were close to selling out were the local ones; and what were they about? Disgruntled 30-something indie-rockers. As if that’s going to be at ALL interesting. What a lame town. That’s their problem. They are so interested in themselves and their own scene they can’t see how little it matters to anyone else. Or in the grand scheme at all! It’s embarrassing.
So — look for my tunes on the radio soon. I didn’t send a cool picture or a playlist– but I guess I should write one down. Oh well. It looks like Jack just hand-scribbled his, so that’s good enough for me. enjoy!

I keep finding pictures of me when I was fat and drunk. So here’s a new one but I still can’t figure out why my glasses always look crooked.

Here’s a mutant puffer weed…

Finally realized that I have a cd burner again. This means two things : I can import more music into my computer. And I can make an actual mix cd to send out to Jack for his radio show. Why anyone would want to listen to the hodgepodge of stuff I listen to these days is beyond me, but hey— it’s not like people are listening to great stuff anyway. At least not around here.
My cynicism continues. I’m very slowly and arduously trying to let go of my bad thoughts. But it’s hard. I spend entirely too much alone. Or with fleeting connections that mean very little. I wish I hadn’t written myself off from so many people at once. I have realized that I thought I could come here and somehow become MORE of who I am. But I was wrong. I’m letting go of my old dreams and settling in to what I’ve made for myself. I’ve been living most of my life in a state of denial. I guess it’s time to wake up.

Music to come. Just as soon as the mail will carry it !

Right right. Jack has totally kept up with the posting. Any my emails. And calling me. Sure he has.

I have a bit of a legitimate reason for my absence. Ever since April 9th—that’s right folks, MA has been sleeping on my floor with the exception of about 6 days. That’s totally fine. But it makes it hard to keep up a regular routine.

then there’s the other business at my work. Two weeks ago I was dealing with a possible near-fatal cancer diagnosis of one of my co-workers. She is my age and I’ve worked with her since day ONE of being with the company I’m working for (almost 6 years ago now). The news was a shock and very upsetting. There’s been a quick turnaround, luckily. It seems that with some chemo they should be able to eradicate it. This is not a very very close friend of mine or anything, but it definitely puts some stress on my everyday existence at the store. Scheduling around being short one manager, for starters, is a big headache, but also just the emotional stress and my boss freaking out is enough to make me want to jump off a cliff.

But things are better now. And I only have to wait about four more days and I can have my apartment back to myself.

To do what? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t seem to do much of anything these days. Playing piano caused me to throw my back out. I went to see a guy for piano lessons who had a grand and a recording studio, but he ended up seeming like a weasel and a money-grubber. So I think I’m going to skip that bit. The massage thing was obviously on hold because of my back. there’s no dating going on. I can’t watch movies or tv much. And I fall asleep when I try to read. Sigh.

I wish I knew what took up my days. Maybe it’s daydreaming about being away from here. But not doing enough about actually leaving is difficult. It’s also hard to host someone who has no possessions, limited budget, and needs your internet most of the day. Blah blah blah.

Now that the drama of the store is over, it’s about time for me to make my exit. I give myself 5 more months. Of course I said that last time. But we’re really pulling for a change this time. Who knows how or what.

If Jack would just get in touch with me I could at least have some brainstorming to do!

Later folks.

Finally back to normal. I’ll have something posted later today.

So I went into Patient First on Saturday for the follow up on the eardrum thing and they peeked in and said it wasn’t healed and that it should be by now so I “gotta go see a earsnosethroat doc right AWAY!!” “Surgery!”

Fuck…then i talk to Basil and he says it’ll cost thousands and I gotta do it right away. I make an appointment at MCV do the whole financial screening thing (apparently I don’t make enough so they give me Indigence Coverage).

I break my neck to get out of work in time for the appointment, bike to MCV, get there at the nick of time and…the assistant sticks some apparatus in my ear and pries a black scab off both eardrums, vacuums out some shit, scrapes some more stuff off the eardrums and says they look like they healed fine. But let me tell you…that is some uncomfortable painful-ass shit. I wanted to vomit at some point.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary of sobriety. I think I’ll celebrate with a few hot rails of crystal. That’s a joke.

Not much to say here. I was really just looking to see how Jack was getting on. After the freak accident, I mean.
I’ve been stretching myself a bit too thin. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And still desperately fighting against it. I think I am officially the ONLY employee at my store who didn’t get an awful sickness in the last three months. There must be SOMETHING I’m doing right.
But my patience for people is still pretty short or non-existent. At least customers. and I guess the general populace since I still seem to not want to leave my apartment.
and I’m slowly losing my ability to concentrate.
Thank goodness for 6 minute Bollywood clips.

It’s hard to know how I come around to feeling this way so often. It’s like my mental growth has shriveled up.
Now that I’m older and more world-weary, I realize that it’s just a fucking hard world to be in. And I always knew it, ever since I was a little kid, but I thought that I’d get to a point where I could control it or master it somehow. Now that I’ve lost some of my youthful appeal, I’m wondering what there is different to offer anyone… what could it be that makes someone want to choose you over anyone else— or NOTHING for that matter?! If it’s not the physical aspect, or the bubbling personality, or the money or means or social graces…or celebrity or connections. WHAT does anyone want?
Well that’s where I’m out of my element. I am just not going to appeal to the folk who are looking for something to bowl them over or blow them away. I’m far too subtle. (I don’t mean that condescendingly) I met someone from Nashville the other day, and he just totally put me at ease. People from the South just aren’t as fucking pretentious as the people on the West Coast–it’s true. Even if you ARE a hippy, earth-loving, peaceful VEGAN. You STILL don’t know how to interact with other HUMANS—there’s something that the Californians and PacNWesterners will never get. It’s a hypocritical mixture of being uptight and being laid-back. I can’t stand it.
That’s obviously not true of everyone. There are a handful of great people here that I’ve met. But I’m getting old and tired of people. I just want to settle down. Somewhere. (thank you Stephen Sondheim)
It’s tiring to see again and again how shallow and selfish people can be.
I had a long talk with N over an impromptu dinner the other day about my lack of Spirituality. I was telling him that I think I’m missing something and that could be it. More meditation and introspection. Less trying to understand someone else and more taking time for myself.
Let’s face it— I never had it; I won’t get it; and you cheated me out of it…. No wait, that’s John Giorno. I guess this is where I start to give up…?

I was getting over a chest and sinus infection over the weekend and Monday I was feeling great. Tuesday after work i was walking to the video store and i did that thing where you grab your nostrils closed and blow to equalize your inner ear (make it pop) and I wound up filling both canals with sinus infection. Fuck. So I went home and it was driving me nuts so I found a one of those plastic squirt bulbs, filled it with warm water and squirted it in both ears. The first one hurt like crazy so obviously I had to do the other. Then I drained the rest of the bulb water into a tissue and noticed little bits of metal in it…OH FUCK! That’s the squeeze bulb I use for soldering electronics for removing excess lead solder from circuit boards.

I put a sock full of microwaved rice over my ear and layed down. Stuff was starting to pop and gurgle and i put a finger in my ear and it was covered in blood. The other ear stated bleeding later. Didn’t sleep that night.

Went to work but was unsure if I could drive with my balance off. I gassed up the truck then pulled over and radioed the shop that I was fucked. Heide took me to Patient First and that’s when the pain hit with full force. He told me at least one of my eardrums was ruptured (he couldn’t get a good look at the other one cause of all the goo). He gave me a script of oxycodone and some antibiotics and told me to come back in 10 days.

Thankfully I don’t have the same pain i did yesterday; that was full-on sobbing pain. Even without the oxy/percs now it’s tolerable.

Ah it’s funny Tim’s reaction to that video. He’s right. I’m a bit of a populist at times but he also lives in the heart of hipster central so I take his scorn with salt.

I keep wondering if it’s just the endless parade of hipsters around town that makes me more and more reluctant to be involved in present-day “culture”. If you spent just minutes around these folks, you would never be impressed by anything else that would ever appeal to such a group.
I just watched the MGMT video that Jack posted. Pretty–to look at. I’m sure Jack thinks the lead guy is hot and he is. But I can’t listen to the song more than once. Their sound is not that original; and they seem to instigate that “party” atmosphere that I find so lackluster and fleeting. It’s enough to work a crowd of hipsters into a lather— for about a week, until the next thing comes along. Maybe it’s the coke that keeps them from having any kind of attention span, but I think it’s that they lack any personality or soul. Yep—I’m talking about you, you straight cool-seeking party kids. The world is yours for now.
I’m much more stuck in the 70’s; or 60’s; or even the 80’s. But nowhere near now. I have to go back at least two decades before I start to feel better.
On a more positive note; I’ve been giving more massages. And they seem to be going well. I’ve been getting better and less nervous. And probably more thorough and effective as a result. Who knew.

AND newsflash! I’m getting old. So my interests are shifting from the new fads to the things I’ve missed in the past. I think it’s a natural progression. I find my coworkers exhausting, with their endless talk about Iron Maiden or Danzig or even the Swans… I really don’t care if I have better or different taste from anyone else. I’ll just do my thing over here—-

So it’s on to Blossom Dearie and Charles Willeford. And Divorce Italian Style. It doesn’t win me any points. But I like it.

“Time To Pretend” Music Video Premiere - MGMT

Went running today. Did 2 miles and knocked 2 1/2 minutes off my time. It’s a start at least.

I’m picking up less and less on the truck at work. I’m trying to by a cheap truck so if anything happens to my job I’m mobile enough to find another.

I’m losing the cell phone but I can still be found on the land line.

Reading Cryptonomicon again. After that I got to find me a copy of Dennis Cooper’s The Sluts and reread that. I don’t know why I’m shunning new reads.

I turned 37 today.