Jack Lawrence

Well I guess I can talk about this now since it’s not a secret.
My job here is finally considered to be in jeopardy. It wasn’t much of a job, but it was what would make me my money and get me things. So now I’m in danger (oh no) of losing it. Well, not just me. The whole store may be closing. That’s the story. Or it may not. Needless to say, the corporate bitches who run the company are a) None too smart and b) unable to make up their mind. So we’re riding out the rest of the year in limbo and the next few months without any vacation. It’s pretty icky. Even though they’re a great company to work with, they’re not so great about being competitive or forward-thinking. And it’s always been true; but now it’s hitting home. I don’t fault anyone in the store, but the corporate lackeys are just overpaid heads of steam.
So I’ll be looking for a way to get back East. And how. Maybe this Summer or possibly next. But I really hope it’s sooner than later. I’m supposed to be really pushing to keep us open and have a positive attitude. but for me the damage has already been done. They dropped the ball and nothing we can do in the next few months or even a year will reverse that display of idiocy. So I’m turning my back on them. Not my coworkers; I wish them total success in whatever happens. But I’m done with the bad decisions and the unwarranted promotions and under-intelligent district managers, etc. Not that wherever I go next will not also be rife with the same problems. There just aren’t that many smart people running things.
I listened to a useless girl customer at work shamelessly hitting on one of my coworkers. and she kept looking like more and more of an idiot as she talked about College and her opinion of people and schools. She had no idea that my coworker was trying to ignore her or that she was attempting to monopolize his time right in front of his boss (ME!). And that’s the kind of person who will go far. And make lots of money. An obnoxious, self-involved, faux-intellectual. Uggh. Sigh. What a dumb nation of people we’ve produced.
Ok. The good news is, I’ve been meditating. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but i have. At least an hour of piano a day on top of that. and the gym every other day. I’m getting stronger and my sleep schedule is set so that I wake up by 8:15 every day except Sat. and Sun. when I get up by 9. It’s amazing how much that has helped me.
Reading Everything That Rises Must Converge by Flannery O’Connor. Excellent so far. Then it’s back to Ellery Queen. I think Jack would really like that stuff.

Alright. I will try not to show how jealous I am of all the snow, but I guess it sucks if you can’t get around.
You Richmond people might see much more of me. Be prepared.

That’s enough with the snow.

I dunno. Soon. It’s cold.
Got a new bird.
and tonight is Stitch and Bitch at the warehouse.
Come one come all and bring your sewing, etc…
8-12

I spent all of the “zeros” in Seattle. And believe me, this town is filled with them. I can’t say that my contempt for the human has decreased any after being around larger numbers of them. But I can say that this particular brand of them is generally useless and contemptible. I will be very happy to go back to a much simpler (if more conservative) part of the country.
The foolishness of the folk in this area can be shown in any number of examples, but when I went out to Bellevue (one of the richest cities in Seattle, where Bill Gates resides in a giant house on the water) I was able to witness the total whiteness and obliviousness of their so-called “city”. To me it was a horrifying example of what a perfect Brave New World would be. There were crowds on the sidewalks, piped in smooth and soothing female vocals, fake snow falling from the tops of skyscrapers, teenagers in bright-colored costumes playing drums and dancing like holiday epileptics, and of course a snow princess in a giant white dress posing for digital pictures with money-drunk revelers. The fact that ANYONE was finding this “festive” was thoroughly sinister.
The conversation I had the other day with a coworker assured me that Capitol Hill (my neighborhood) was not cool to hang out in anymore. But she she refers to herself as a “yuppie hipster”. Apparently this particular breed of breeders is more comfortable in Portland. I have no idea why since Portland is out of jobs and overrun with new people looking to find the last cool city in the states.
I was talking with a 70 yr old ex-New Yorker at work the other day. He used to be a dancer there in the 60’s but was more successful as a photographer. He now has a gigantic portfolio of pictures from that era that he wants to put together in an exhibit or a book. When I told him that I used to visit the city back in the 80’s he lit up with excitement… “Wow! That was it. That was the real New York back then.” It isn’t anymore. It’s all money. Just like most of the other cities ruined by big business and squeaky-clean family values. If I were smarter and not just easily annoyed, I would leave the country now before it’s final collapse. I’ve never been one of the chosen few here— I’m not energetic, happy, ambitious, attractive or shallow. So I don’t fit the American norm. And without the distraction of children I have no excuse to NOT leave.
Luckily sex is finally taking a back seat. ( no pun there ) Without the constant pursuit of acceptance and expression that sex used to afford, I can start to try to expand my experiences and feed my intellect a bit more. THIS is when I should have gone to college to start a brilliant career. But alas, the human condition was in the way and my psychological weakness would never have allowed it before now. but once you realize that the idiots are running the show, there’s no reason to either bow out or just plain take over.

Right before I almost died the other day driving the work truck down Elko, I was at a stop out in the boonies and I’m driving on a gravel road to get to this house and I see this HUGE bird fly up into a tree. I drove up closer and there was a fucking bald eagle on a branch not more than 40 yards away from me. It was as big as a Labrador retriever.

brb…snowing…groceries

Yes, I meant to say “Dina”. Martina, that is. I went to see the inimitable Ms. Martina last night and it was amazing as always. If you don’t know who she is just youtube her. You won’t get the full effect, but at least you’ll have a reference. I can do nothing to describe it with accuracy or justice. But it was a great time. I accidentally spilled my drink into the hood of the boy’s coat in the row in front of me, but I very carefully scooped out the ice while continuing to talk like nothing had even happened.
I ran into some old folk from the city that I haven’t talked to in a while. It was a little uncomfortable for me. I don’t have much to tell about what I’m up to, and everyone there is just a flurry of activity and experiences. At least MA has Japan to relate to other people. I talked about moving to my new place but that’s really just something that was painfully overdue.
Jack is still very much in the forefront of my mind. Especially when I see couples who have been together for a long time (like I did last night). I can see myself years ago fully attached and intertwined in the same way. But it’s just not happening these days. I don’t know what I have to do… or IF I even want to. But watching the boys sitting in front of me cuddling to Ms. Martina singing the Christmas Song was a heart-warming sight. I felt a certain longing for something that simple. As opposed to orchestrating quick sex orgies, that is, of course…
8 more days of work. 10 more days til I’m in Virginia. I got both my flu shots today and I’m certain I’ll be good for traveling. I’m NOT going to get sick from being on a plane with a baby or an incessant hacker. That’s all been prevented.
Just done with Calvino’s TZero. Pretty amazing stuff. I wouldn’t call them short stories as much as logic puzzles, but they were pretty fun. And they went perfectly with Kafka’s Parable and Paradoxes. Now back to the crime novels for me.
Still no computer. Still no TV. I’m looking forward to going home and watching stuff on the new bigscreen tv. I’ll have to bring something good though….

Snow. Fine. Everything closes down, time off from work, the city falls apart. Fine. Stranded. Fine. 18 degrees overnight just doesn’t make me happy. It’s 22 out right now… fuck!
Ok. I’m just holding out that all the travel problems will be over by the time I’m ready to hit the airport on the 24th.
It’s been really unusual to be at home without a screen of any sort– no Tv, no computer. I watched the sunset out my window the other night. I was drinking tea and listening to a new Takemitsu CD I bought. I drifted off. Then I woke up again and went to play the piano for a bit. I really don’t need much else. Apart from the human contact that it can afford me, I don’t miss being online or watching movies nonstop.
Can’t wait to see Jack for some serious sewing. But I need some movie approvals for what to bring to watch when I’m there. Busby Berkley anyone? Marx brothers? Bergman?
Monday is the annual Dina Martina Holiday experience. Then Tuesday hopefully will be a viewing of Pee Wee’s special. That’s a lot of camp in 24 hours! I’m thinking of stealing Jack’s Herzog documentary showing for my own movie night here. I’m sure the boys would love it.
The district Holiday party is over and nothing interesting happened. Again. I worked and prepped and it was over and uneventful. It’s a giant waste of time and money if you ask me.
But I did sing “Sweet Caroline”, was the last singer and brought down the house. Cliched for sure, but hey— it wasn’t exactly a great list to choose from. I should definitely go do some karaoke when I’m in Richmond. Do they even have a place for that? who knows. Jack probably doesn’t.
These are the official 12 days of Xmas for me. 12 days of working that is. Soon to be over it just can’t be soon enough. It’s turning me into a giant humbug. But I’m finishing my Calvino before I leave (TZero) and then I’ll bring the Steig Larsson with me so Jack can read it when I’m done.
That’s all for now. See you kids soon: but not soon enough.

The post title pretty much says it. I’ve become bored with the hamster food I’ve been eating. Now I’m falling over with red curry, rice and whatnot. Where’s Matt B when you need him?
I just ordered some giant-ass latch hook backing canvas for the SHAG series off the webs. AND starting a sewing club here at the Ponderosa one day a week. If anyone wants to donate (spare?) yarn to the Shag project send me a comment…

Well it’s definitely true— I can put in the same amount of work and get less results these days. I’m going to have to go back to climbing the water tower twice a week. That keeps me in shape usually. And the first time I go up it I will realize how out of shape I am.
The holidays here always bring the worst possible people to the fore. Closing the store last night was an experience in helping the most illiterate, incapable and inconsiderate people you could hope for.
Also yesterday my friend D found a job finally, after 6 months of being unemployed. And it was with the housing company that screwed me over (and several other tenants). I was hoping that maybe he could be an insider to help me take down the evil Bob Fletcher (yes I said his name, mostly because he is not human) and his lump of a boss Billie Abers. I don’t know who to call or how to report them, but they are continuing to be total pricks. My old neighbor was kept out of his apartment for an extra weekend while they treated his place for bedbugs. He didn’t even have a place to stay and the apt manager just hung up the phone and said not to call on the weekend because they were closed. Luckily the Asst. was nice enough to let him sleep in a vacant apartment (not too hard to figure out, Mr. Fletcher). I want these two to have to sleep on the streets and be mocked, that’s how much I hate them. Mocked and spit on. At the very least.
Anyway, the saddest part of the holiday for me is how much I feel like I just up and abandoned everyone. I’m here by myself with all these other transplants (with whom I have nothing in common) and there’s no legitimate reason for it. But ever since my old laptop finally died I am that much closer to having a new computer and therefore a way to rid myself of all those cd’s of my past. I cannot fucking wait. And I’ve realized too that buying DVD’s is a big waste of time too. Also a little late for that, but hey— as they say…
I’m playing more piano these days; so much so that individual fingers are starting to be sore! But it’s good. It keeps me out of trouble. Sometimes. I wonder if I will ever feel like playing in front of people again.
But here it is folks; my job officially feels ridiculous after getting over my addiction to stuff. And my boss and her dog can suck the big dog bone all day and just watch me go.
I’m not really qualified to go into anything else, so maybe it’s teaching or more school? I just want to stay at home and not be bothered. Sigh. That’s never an option but it should be.
Happy Holidays. Jack’s post made me really sad. But it also makes me a little more thankful. Once I had happy days in the past. At least I have that to remember.

I was driving around in the truck yesterday and I did a pickup on W. Cary. The woman at the door was an elderly black lady but I could tell from looking at the stuff I was picking up that this was the remnants of somebody else. There was a bunch of framed 80’s vintage male erotic posters…snapshots in frames of young men smiling, friends…books: Mysteries of Pittsburgh, a Jean Genet bio, plays of Tennessee Williams, etc…boxes of personal items and nick knacks…some clothes and jackets.

Eddie S told me a long time ago that most older gay men have a pact with a friend that when they die the friend is supposed to scrub the home of presumably embarrassing gay-related items (books, pornography, posters, toys) so the family doesn’t find them.
I was in the back of the truck putting the frames and books onto the miscellaneous cart and the clothes on the clothes cart and i just felt sad. This was the last bits of some guy, personal bits. The framed pictures of his friends or lovers all the faces seemed sweet and friendly. That was what really got me. I looked at those snapshots and i felt like I new this person. It made me think that one day somebody will probably be taking boxes of my stuff to a thrift store.

So I was trolling around some blogs and found this video of some kid singing Beyonce’s Halo. Every now and then the vulnerable, little gay boy inside me rises to the surface.

found mouth…

Every day it seems to be more and more obvious— the world is meant for the smart and the beautiful.
Luckily, I’m not much of either, so I can just sit off to the side and figure out how to pass the time… I’ve been out from work for the past four days (due to my cold) and it’s been a very nice change. I don’t miss the store; my boss; the idea of selling things to customers; none of it. I don’t even miss acquiring stuff, since I have so much of it already. I would certainly miss the money.
But I’ve been sitting at home playing piano (when I can wrap my head around doing anything) and reading. Yep. Reading. Calvino and Kafka. Am I a snob or what.
I’ll be back in Virginia in 5 weeks. I’m so sick of the winter weather here already, I am so close to pulling the “cut and run” that Jack suggested. My boss can go suck it as far as I’m concerned. That place is a black hole and the people in charge are idiots. So I’ll be happy to leave. I just don’t know my alternative yet. But really, 10+ years in the book business is plenty, especially when it’s on the steady decline.
I’ve thought about going back to school, since I don’t really know very much about anything (or skilled at anything either) but it’s hard to want to get started on such a task. I’d rather find a way to just clean house naked for someone and make plenty of money that way… Seriously. Who the fuck cares. Did anyone say I was a saint? Keep me away from your children, I don’t care….

One of the truck drivers quit today to go lay brick so for the next foreseeable future i’ll be working 12 hr shifts. The cop painting is gone and I can’t tell you how awesome it feels not to have this thing sucking the life out of every free, non working second. And the mother of ‘the cop’ (Anne, who commissioned the piece) loved the painting very much so it’s good all the way around.

Apples are in season: Honeycrisps and Braeburns are the best out there.

So here’s a picture of the finished Cop painting and my anteater head.

I finished the ‘cop’ painting. I no longer paint.

It is about 9 years to the day when I left Champaign Illinois to drive sight unseen to Seattle with the intention of moving here to stay. I don’t know what I was expecting. God knows I didn’t have a plan. I hadn’t done any research (what?) and I didn’t have a job or anything other than a friend who was going to let me stay with her for two weeks while I figured shit out. I moved into a place just days after my birthday that year. I spent Thanksgiving with my friend E and her crazy boyfriend and his obnoxious friends (that should have been some indication of the people who lived here). They were all kind of friendly and welcoming, but not completely. Of course I didn’t know at all what to do with myself. I was painfully quiet and introverted beyond the point of it being interesting. And the town just kept on going, as if I hadn’t even arrived.
It must have something to do with my birthday that gives me the impetus to try and change things. Of course it’s been 5 years since I’ve moved at all, even in town. It’s so far removed, that monumental drive across the country through the snow, that I can’t even rely on it as a story of something interesting that I did in the past. It’s just a fact. And what followed was not very stellar either.

I can see the Space Needle from my new apartment. In fact, there’s almost no part of it where you CAN’T see it. MA will be staying with me in less than a week to try and start over here. It’s like the tables have turned. Almost, as I said, to the day.
I’ve become fully entrenched in the city here. I know what I want from it and I know what it has to offer. It’s not a very mature city, if you ask me. but everyone knows how I feel about it by now, pretty much.
What I do feel most of all is the distance from all my childhood memories, my family and Richmond. Why did I give up on all that— it was mostly out of fear. Sure we’ve passed a bill here that extends rights to same-sex couples. But is that all there is to a place? Just because I could feel slightly persecuted and uncomfortable is that any reason to leave?
The Berlin Wall “fell” on Nov. 9th 20 years ago. It is more of a symbolic anniversary than a physical reality. More border crossing points were opened and that is what is being celebrated. THAT is a monumental event. That’s really understanding the meaning of home and your limitations and freedom.
I will be home in less than 50 days. Now that my boss is practically “married” to her puppy and promises to bring it in every day she works, I want to keep my job even less. I know that’s rather petty, but it’s like the last straw. Really. I didn’t get an office so that I could share it with a woman and her dog.
It’s obviously time to move on. And I’m still discontent with the options I have in my head. I wish I could split it open and drain them out and just start from zero—- build new options out of nowhere. something from nothing.
Now I’ve got the Ocean Blue stuck in my head — That would be another good Fall listen, Mr. Jack.

I spent the 3 days leading up to the 31st making an anteater mask/head but with no idea about what i was going to do on Halloween. Wayne was driving in the Oregon Hill Parade so i figured i’d go along with him. I get the thing done and bike down to Oregon Hill and hop in the back of Wayne’s truck just as shit got going. The parade went down Laural and up Pine about 9 blocks total and felt like it took 10 minutes. It sounded crazy and I wish I could’ve seen what was going on but i put the eye holes to the anteater head in the wrong place. Saw Josie and Stu’s girl (an awesome Slash and Axl respectively) and helped them take some drums to her car.

It’s still weird to go out and do awesome, fun shit that i would normally do completely hammered so I biked home and took a shower. My Halloween lasted about an hour but it was still fun to see (?) everyone.

Wayne dressed in black with a cane, cape and top hat with a painted skull face
Heide was a fly and baby Lilly was a maggot.

I have about an hour’s worth of work left on the cop painting.

I’ll have pics of everything up in a day or two.

Congrats on Tim getting moved and done with all that shit. Wish i could have been there. Tim suggested Game Theory (Tinkers to Evers To Chance) to help work through the grey, Fall bits and wouldn’t you know I’ve had Lolita Nation on repeat for the last month.

It’s just me here at this old apartment. Barely any of my “things” are around. Certainly nothing that would belie my character or taste. It is rather relaxing. And disconcerting. My whole fake identity that surrounds me has been stripped and taken away. I can get to it if I want, but my immediate vicinity is taken up with remnants of the five years I spent here. It’s also been five years since Jack was in Seattle. And that means five years since we’ve had any extended contact.
All that’s left now in this space is some loose change, pots and pans in plastic waiting to be moved, last minute items that are too symbolic to move just yet (like food and toiletries), and random discarded objects waiting to be collected and carried off. It feels lonely and naked. My life here was a series of mental breakdowns and desperate attempts at human connection. Chains of sicknesses and hangovers and anonymous sex partners. Disappearances into old music obsessions and creations of new visual cinematic ones. A slow detachment from the world outside and a gradual protective shield put up in its place. Now I feel like I’m making a major change on my own for once. Not totally alone, but finally with things and people that are seemingly foreign to me. It is the strangest part because there is no one here to commemorate or witness the physical move, or share in its emotional counterpart. I want to take pictures but I don’t know what they would describe, so I’d rather just forget. But that’s a lot of time spent just to forget it all in an instant.
I’m sure something’s missing. It will be hours until I find out what that is.

That’s what it’s all become. And now it’s fall and i’m not ready.
I need something radically different to deal with. Something I’m not prepared for.

What I neglected to mention to Jack is that I found a whole *bunch* of letters he wrote me; ones that I’ve held onto this entire time. Not to say that I read them every day or anything. But I wouldn’t throw them away for anything. I’ve kept every single drawing he’s ever given me, even if it was only on a cassette tape or a random piece of paper. Now that I’m supposed to be setting up a new life for myself in my new place, I too am having that strange feeling of entering adulthood, ill-prepared and mostly unwilling. It feels good to have given away so much of my past (I threw away tons of programs and cassettes and VHS from high school); it makes it seem more possible to have a new set of circumstances to identify with. but I’m reluctant.
Today I watched my first sunset in my new place. It was amazing. It kept getting more and more beautiful. The sound of the traffic is pretty constant and loud, but I’m sure I’ll be watching loud movies and listening to loud music and playing the piano. So I should be fine. It’s just the space that is so small. My first song was Sans Souci by Peggy Lee and the first album was the Loud Family: Tape of Only Linda. (mostly because these were what I could reach at the time). I have far too many books and records and the fact that I have ANY CD’s is just embarrassing by now.
What makes me sad now is that I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities that were literally thrown at me. If I had been less crazy and confused during my time with Jack, I think things would be much different now. But who is to say. I can’t really write anymore; Nilsson’s “Don’t Forget Me” is playing in the background, and it’s just a little too apropos……